Alone
by clair beaubien
Summary: Ch1: Pre-Series - Dean puts up a fuss when John lets Sam stay by himself for the first time, told from John's POV. Ch2: missing scene to Like a Virgin - as long as they have each other, they'll never be alone.
1. Chapter 1

Pre-Series. Dean puts up a fuss when John lets Sam stay by himself for the first time. John's POV.

SPN*SPN*SPN

Sam was gonna need to stay overnight by himself sometime and this seemed as good a chance as any. He'd stayed by himself for afternoons and all-daylight-days, but never overnight. It was time.

Caleb called with an easy salt and burn about five hours away from us. It was a Friday night and I recognized Sammy's '_I gotta study my brains out all weekend_' attitude, with his head already buried in his books and it was hardly six o'clock. He was in his last quarter of eighth grade and as smart as he was stubborn, and we didn't need him on this job.

Why not give him seventeen hours to himself?

"Got a job near Minneapolis." I said when I hung up from Caleb. Dean perked right up, Sammy huffed down into his books.

"What is it?" That was Dean asking, of course.

"Salt and burn, should only take overnight."

Sammy seemed to shrink in, every single word I said. Until I tossed him my surprise.

"Hey, Sammy? What d'you say you sit this one out?"

"_WHAT?"_ I got from both sides. Sammy perked right up, Dean I thought was going to draw down on me with silver and holy water.

I told Dean, unnecessarily, "Sammy's never stayed by himself overnight."

And Dean repeated it back to me, like I hadn't just said it,

"That's right. _Sammy's never stayed by himself overnight."_

"Dad – _really?_" Sammy asked me. He hadn't sounded that glad about anything in I couldn't remember how long. I was happy to hear it.

"_NO."_ Dean told him. "_Not really._ Dad – what're you thinking?"

"I'm thinking Sam's got a big test to study for and could probably use some time all to himself."

Sammy brightened up just as much as Dean darkened down.

"Thanks, Dad!" Sammy rewarded me.

"_No, not 'thanks Dad'._" Dean fumed. "_Dad?_"

"Dean – get packed. We leave in twenty."

"_Daaaaaaaaad."_

"Dean – _NOW_."

He fumed some more, but did as he was told. Sammy seemed like he couldn't stop smiling at me, looking at me like I was the best Dad in the whole world. Maybe I should think about leaving him on his own more often.

Okay, that wasn't gonna happen again anytime soon. So I'd just memorize this one.

"What if he leaves the room?" Dean asked me.

"I won't." Sam told me.

"How's he gonna eat?" Dean asked _me._

"There's leftover pizza." Sam told _me._

"What about protection?" Dean at least finally asked that of Sam to his face, so I turned away and drank some coffee which turned out to be a bad idea when Sam answered,

"I already took one out of your wallet."

And I nearly choked myself on my coffee.

"_Sam_." Dean growled at him and I looked back at Sam. Protecting the room and himself _was _something we needed to cover anyway.

Sam saw that I was waiting for the answer too, and he rolled his eyes.

"Salt at the door and window. Shotgun by the bed. Don't answer the door. Don't answer the phone unless it rings twice first. Silver, Christo, holy water."

I looked at Dean to get his opinion. It wouldn't change my mind, but I was interested in what his opinion was.

"What if we don't come back?" Dean asked Sam.

"_I spend the inheritance."_

I had to work not to laugh. Dean looked like his head was going to explode.

"_Try. Again."_

Sam huffed and really rolled his eyes and said in the snotty tone I was all too familiar with,

"_I call Pastor Jim and he gets me and finds you."_

I looked to Dean again, but he only stared at Sammy, with his hands on his hips and that resolute look on his face.

"Well?" I asked him.

"If you even _think_ of turning the phone off, Sammy, I will superglue it to your head."

Good, that was settled then. Dean was going to agree to let Sammy stay by himself. I turned to my packing just as Sammy asked me,

"Dad – will you _please _tell Dean not to call me every seventeen minutes?"

Without turning back, I said flatly, "Dean, will you please not call your brother every seventeen minutes?"

I felt Dean glare and I felt Sammy beam and I felt better than I had in months if not years.

Dean managed to pack up his duffel without once taking his eyes off of Sammy. Sammy managed to look innocent and triumphant both at the same time.

Before we left the room, I gave the room key and fifty bucks out of my wallet to Sam.

"_He's not going anywhere." _Dean informed me with some force. I gave Sam the money and key anyway.

"We'll call you when we get there, and when we're headed back. You call if you need anything. If we don't answer -" I gave a quick look to Dean, then gave fast wink to Sam. " – _spend the inheritance."_

Sammy smiled, Dean groaned.

"_Real funny, Dad."_

Sam laughed and took the money and key.

"_Thanks, Dad."_

I smiled at him and cuffed his shoulder instead giving him the hug I really wanted to give him. The times I could make Sammy honestly happy were few & far between. I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like.

"C'mon, Dean. Let's get on the road."

Dean huffed. He was going to use up all the air the way he kept huffing. He huffed and shouldered his duffel and kept glaring, at Sam, at me, at Sam again.

"_I still think you should come with." _He ground out through clenched teeth.

"Sooner we leave, sooner we get back." I pointed out to him, _pointedly_. "Let's go."

Sammy walked to the door behind us, staying in the doorway while we packed up the trunk. He was still smiling, grinning even.

Dean was still glaring, growling his disapproval low in his throat, making threats Sam could understand even if he couldn't hear them. After Dean shut the trunk, he went back to Sam for one last handful of rules and regulations.

"_Don't stay up late. Keep the curtains closed. Stay near the phone all the time. Don't leave the room, even to get ice or a can of Pepsi. Leave the bathroom light on so it looks like somebody's awake during the night. Leave the TV on low so it sounds like more than one person is in there. But don't be watching the naughty channels…" _

It could've gone on another half hour at least.

"Dean – _now._" I told him.

He huffed – but he got in the car.

"Go on in now, and shut the door." I told Sammy. "We'll call you when we get there."

Sammy nodded and started to close the door, but Dean had one parting shot,

"_You damn well better get a hundred on that test!" _He ordered through the open car window.

Sammy rolled his eyes at Dean, and gifted me another smile.

"_Thanks, Dad._" He said in the soft tone of voice usually reserved for emotional moments. Then he disappeared back into the motel room, shutting the door and throwing the locks.

I got in the car, next to smoldering-Dean. I started it up and we got on our way and it was pretty damn quiet for a handful of blocks. Just as I was thinking it was going to be a loooooooong ride with a pissed Dean, he said,

"Yeah, he'll be fine. It'll be good for him to be on his own for a day."

We were at a red light or I might've slammed on the brakes in surprise.

"_Excuse me?" _I had to ask.

Dean shrugged.

"Sammy's been ready to stay on his own for seven months now. I just wondered when the both of _you_ were going to realize it."

"_That was all an act?"_ I asked, suddenly realizing. "You put Sammy through all that, and it was _an act_?"

Dean shrugged again, like it was no big deal.

"Couldn't let him think staying on his own was that easy." He said, but then his voice dropped. "Didn't want him to think I didn't care. Just 'cause he's by himself doesn't mean he's _alone._"

The light turned green so I turned my attention back to the road, but I smiled. Nope, as long as my boys had each, they'd never be alone.

The End.


	2. Chapter 2

Missing scene to "Like A Virgin"

SPN * SPN * SPN * SPN * SPN * SPN * SPN * SPN * SPN

Sam was alone.

When Cas winged out again, the room felt oppressively quiet. Sam sat there at the table and stared at the chair across from him, the chair Dean had sat in.

He wished Dean was there with him now.

But he was alone.

Cas had told Sam everything, everything that he knew had happened, and few more things that he'd surmised, extrapolated, and inferred had happened for that year and a half of hell. That year and a half of calculated brutality. That year and a half of unknown, untold, unapologetic horror.

That year and a half that Sam, without his soul, had walked free, leaving scorched earth wherever he stepped.

Sam wished Dean was sitting there right now. He wished he could tell Dean that he knew, what he knew, how little he still knew. He wanted to hear Dean say '_Hey, it's okay. We'll figure it out. We'll take care of it. It's gonna be okay.' _

But Sam was alone. The chair was empty, the room was empty. Dean was in another state, ten hours away. Sam was alone, surrounded with fear and doubt, incomplete memories and overwhelming guilt.

Bobby could barely stand to talk to him, Sam understood that now. He understood _why._ Dean was so happy to have him back, he'd given Sam blanket forgiveness for every bad thing he knew Sam had ever done, and every _worse _thing that he _never_ _needed _to know Sam had done.

Right now, Sam was somewhere between those two points of view, and probably a little closer to Bobby's take on things.

He looked around the motel room again. He wished Dean was there; Dean would help him make sense of everything. But Dean was in San Francisco, and San Francisco was a ten hour drive from Portland, so Dean was still at least 10 hours away or more, depending on how he was coming with Bobby's contact.

And he could be with Lisa and Ben right now.

But he couldn't be with Lisa and Ben now, or ever probably, because of Sam.

Sam wished Dean was there.

With nothing else to do but more research, Sam went back to his computer. The sooner they got the dragons taken care of, the sooner they could head back to Bobby's and –

And _what?_ Sam wondered. Go back to Bobby's and _avoid_ him? He knew that he could apologize to Bobby for trying to kill him, but who knew if that would be enough. After Sam had opened the door to the Cage, Bobby had categorically told him that he'd never throw him out. But now – who knew?

Sam sighed and tried another search for dragon lore, just in case the sewers didn't pan out as a hiding place. But his fingers froze over the keys as he wondered – had Soulless Sam used this computer? Not that it mattered he supposed; a good computer was a good computer regardless of who used it. Had he worn these clothes? These boots? He'd sat in the passenger seat of the Impala, that much was true.

He'd had all that time with Dean.

Dean.

Sam wanted Dean.

He pulled out his phone but hesitated before hitting speed dial. The way he was feeling at the moment, he might not be able to hear Dean even on voice mail without babbling out everything he was feeling; if Dean actually answered, it would be a million times worse.

But he wanted to hear Dean's voice, even if it was just his voice on voicemail. He punched speed dial and waited.

"_This is Dean. Leave me a message."_

"Hey, it's me. Um – so - what'd Bobby's contact have to say? Anything we can use? I – um – just – was wondering - when you're heading back. Just – um – be careful. Okay? Um – all right, then. Bye."

He hung up, feeling more than a little stupid, and wondered if there was a way to recall a voicemail like there was to recall an email. Maybe technology had progressed that far in the year and a half he'd been gone.

With his luck, probably not.

He sighed and tossed the phone on the table and stared at his computer another half minute before he shut it down and closed it up and sighed again.

He wanted Dean.

But even if Dean was here, Sam couldn't – wouldn't – tell him what he knew, that he knew anything at all. Not in the middle of a job. He'd have to wait until the dragon was dead and nothing else was on their plate at the moment.

And when he did tell Dean – when he told Dean that he knew what he'd done and that he knew he had to make amends for as much of it as he could – Dean would immediately amp up into Overly-Protective-Big-Brother-Warrior mode and watch Sam's every move and 'Dean-terpret' Sam's every word and oh-so-precisely monitor Sam's every single action, from eating to sleeping to –

His phone ringing stopped Sam in mid-thought and he reached out to scoop it up from the table.

_Dean_.

"Hey." Sam answered the phone. "How's it going in San Fran?"

"Uhh – y'ever hear of the sword of Brunswick?"

"Depends - Brunswick or Bruncvik?"

For an answer, he got a long pause from Dean. Then,

"Ok-_ay._ I'll take that as a 'yes'. Either way, we need it, I've got it. I'm gonna grab something to eat and get back on the road. How's it going at your end?"

"Got some ideas, still working on it. I need to get some plans for the city. I think the Streets Department will probably have what I need."

"Whoa – wait – before you go rushing out - did you sleep last night?"

"Yeah. Full eight and everything."

"_Eight?"_ Dean questioned.

"Seven."

"Sam?"

"All right, six. But you know – I've been doing hardly anything _but_ sleeping lately. I'm good."

"Uh hunh. And you ate - -?"

"I had the tacos that were leftover."

"_And?"_

"There was enough. I'll get something when I'm out."

"Un hunh. How's everything else? Everything still working A-OK?"

"So help me, Dean – if you ask me when the last time was I relieved myself, I am ending this conversation."

"Well, even from this distance, I can tell your bitch-face is still in working order." Dean said. "All right. I'm getting on the road. I'll be there in ten. Get your city plans and get some more sleep. We'll hit this again as soon as I get there."

"Yeah, all right. Drive safe."

"Yeah. Call me when you get back to the room."

The call ended on Dean's order and Sam put the phone back into his pocket, thinking a hundred things about bossy, over-protective, big brothers.

One bossy, over-protective, big brother in particular.

At least Sam wasn't alone anymore.

The end.


End file.
